


break

by PaperThinRevolutionary (SingFortissimo)



Series: dénouement [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Other, stylization - all lowercase, venting, written on One Of Those Days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 17:34:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11582892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SingFortissimo/pseuds/PaperThinRevolutionary
Summary: google search: how to fall out of love.





	break

this was absolutely a new low. googling how to get over a crush, for god’s sake. he could feel bile rising in his throat, acid burning his insides, but he knew he couldn’t make himself act on that feeling. he could feel his chest go tight, feel the lump right under his adam’s apple making it harder and harder to breathe. 

google search: how to fall out of love.

step one: avoid contact. 

no no no. this was his best friend, he absolutely couldn’t… could he? he would be lost. he didn’t really have anybody else. sure he had other friends—he wasn’t that pathetic. he liked to tell himself that at least. he definitely had other friends. 

right? 

whether he did or didn’t wasn’t the issue, not right now. he didn’t want to avoid contact with the other. he didn't want to lose him. 

but then that ache in his chest hit again, the weight of millions of words unspoken, millions of thoughts gaining physical form just to sit on his chest, weigh him down, choke, suffocate, drown—

no. 

okay. 

try again. 

google search: how to fall out of love with your best friend. 

god, this was fucking pathetic. 

he couldn’t help but glance back at his phone again, at the messages the two sent back and forth and the posts he didn’t need to be seeing.

at this point, was it masochism or stupidity?

new tab.

google search: psychiatric consultation

backspace, backspace, rapid rapid rapid. 

he couldn’t do that. 

not yet. 

then that old train of thought, his favorite train of thought, _you’re just pathetic, you don’t need help, you just need to grow up._

_you’re goddamn weak, fucking worthless, this is why he’ll never love you._

google search: lgbt dating site

_ha! so you can rope some other sap into dealing with your shit? like you even deserve someone else considering giving you that time of day? you don’t deserve anybody. you don’t deserve love, affection, any of it. nothing. and nobody deserves to be weighed down dealing with your shit._

_why would you put someone in this situation? it’s one in the goddamn morning and you’re googling how to fall out of love. you’re fucking worthless. why the fuck would you do that to someone else, why would you make yourself worse than you already are, why drag them down with you? fucking useless._

close tab.

a moment of hesitation. 

thoughts a million words per second.

overload. 

chest pain. 

heart racing. 

rip it out, rip it out, rip it _out_

can’t breathe. 

suffocating, drowning, _make it stop_

vision blurred.

hands shaking.

new tab. 

google search: help.

**Author's Note:**

> written during a breakdown.   
> based loosely on reality. 
> 
> until next time,   
> -krys


End file.
